Spouse Gambling Problem

When parties get a divorce, and gambling was a marital issue (shockingly, usually for the detriment), the non-gambling spouse will usually communicate to the court that the gambling spouse gambled away community property funds and that she now is part of this debt that can be attributed solely to gambling.

1. Spouse Gambling Problem
2. Spouse With Gambling Problem

• For people with gambling problems a small provocation, like walking past a gambling hall or having money, can be enough reason to go gambling. Once they start, it is hard to stop. Let the person know that you are prepared to help and to talk about the difficulties, but be clear that the consequences of the gambling are for him or her.
• Gambles as a way of escaping from problems or relieving dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression). After losing money gambling, often returns another day in order to get even (“chasing one’s losses”). Lies to family members, therapists, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling.
• A spouse who has a problem with gambling may be addicted to the thrill he gets from betting on sports, playing poker, buying lottery tickets or hitting the slot machines. This addiction can lead to marital, financial and career problems.

• Dr. David B. HawkinsThe Relationship Doctor
• 200918 Feb

Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

I am writing out of frustration because of my wife’s shopping habit. We’ve been married for fifteen years, and ever since we’ve been married she’s had an addiction to shopping. It would be one thing if she spent a reasonable amount of money on keeping up her wardrobe, but it seems like her problem is getting worse. She spends more than we can afford, sneaks money to buy clothes and then returns many of the things she buys. When I confront her about her spending she gets incredibly defensive. We can’t talk about the problem without getting into horrible fights. The more she spends, and then hides her spending, the more I distrust her. I feel like my marriage is slipping away, and I don’t know what to do about it. She wants to treat it like nothing is wrong, yet my love for her is in danger. I’m about ready to give up on our marriage, yet don’t want to lose her. But, I can’t live like this any longer. I’ve read that this is a common problem, but if my wife won’t admit the problem, and if she won’t even talk to me about it, what can I do? Please help. ~ Going Broke

Dear Broke,

There are several issues that need to be addressed in your letter. Let’s take them one at a time.

The fact that your wife is secretive about her spending, and won’t allow you to confront her about it, is alarming. You’re right to call it an addiction, because secrecy and dishonesty are two of the hallmarks of addiction. Your wife’s spending is out of control and she undoubtedly knows it, thus leading to her secrecy and dishonesty.

This problem needs to be treated like any other addiction. While our culture is quick to label addictions to alcohol and drugs, we are slower to confront addictions to processes, such as shopping, gambling and eating, to name a few. Nonetheless, as your letter indicates, any addiction can be extremely debilitating and damaging to a relationship. I’m not surprised to hear that your trust for your wife is declining and your love for her is in jeopardy. This is the path of any addiction.

Now, what can be done about it?

First, it is important that you read about, and thoroughly understand the process of addiction. Knowledge and wisdom are critical first steps when facing any problem.

Second, after educating yourself about addictions, and knowing that your wife may continue to deny and minimize her problem, you must discontinue arguing with her about her problem. Her resistance to information, or intervention, further indicates an addiction. Addicts deny and minimize their problems, making those who confront them feel crazy. Armed with knowledge about this process, you’ll be less likely to fight with her. You won’t win this battle by convincing her of her problem. She must come to that realization on her own.

Third, prepare to take a tough stand. Addicts must reach their “bottom,” where their addiction no longer works for them. Your wife shops for a variety of “reasons,” and will likely give it up very reluctantly, and only when she must. The question will be whether she values her marriage more than her addiction, and only she can answer that. In the meantime, you must set a firm boundary—she must seek treatment for her addiction if she is to remain married to you. Also, I would suggest you seek out a trusted financial advisor. It will take time for your wife to conquer her addiction, and in the meantime, you do not want to be facing financial ruin.

Fourth, you must be prepared to take on the role of support and encouragement, not blaming and discouragement. Blame and shame are not helpful, as she undoubtedly already feels ashamed of her situation. While she will initially resent you for taking a stand, sometime in the future she’ll thank you for your strength.

Finally, let her know, firmly, that you are taking this stand because you love her. Remind her that you’re committed to her and will seek help with her. Let her know that you are open to exploring any role you might play in her problems and the unhappiness that may be fueling her addiction, while remaining firm that an intervention is critically necessary.

From the incessantly advertised fantasy football websites to online gaming and poker sites, to the lottery, to Indian casinos, and to Las Vegas, providing people with the opportunities to gamble is as widespread throughout society as they have ever been. Many, if not most, people can participate in gambling on a recreational basis. However, there are some people that just don’t know when to fold, when to give up, when to put their wallets away. Before they know it, they are not just gambling away their money but gambling away their own family’s financial well-being. Some will gamble just their paycheck, which is bad enough. Others are willing to dig deeper to “win bigger”, including family fortunes. children’s trust funds and savings accounts. When it comes to Family Law, gambling can carry serious consequences that can greatly affect all the parties involved.

When parties get a divorce, and gambling was a marital issue (shockingly, usually for the detriment), the non-gambling spouse will usually communicate to the court that the gambling spouse gambled away community property funds and that she now is part of this debt that can be attributed solely to gambling. Believe it or not, the non-gambling spouse usually does not want to have to pay the gambling spouse’s debts. As a matter of course, all assets and debts that are incurred during the marriage are community property. This is the rule per the Family Code, however, that doesn’t mean that there are not exceptions.

Under Family Code §2625, one particular exception can be found. This exception to the general rule states that:

“All separate debts, including those debts incurred by a spouse during marriage and before the date of separation that were not incurred for the benefit of the community, shall be confirmed without offset to the spouse who incurred the debt.”

This exception to the general rule is a notable one, because California is a no-fault state. It usually does not matter what a spouse did or did not do. The judge will not take into account the specific facts on what got the parties there or, more importantly to many clients, “why” they are where they are. You’re there. That’s all that matters to the California Courts. However, with the above exception, the Family Code provides the Court with the power to assign the gambling debts of the community solely to the gambling spouse. Thus, the court would be making a division of the marital assets and debts based on fault, and not equality.

FIDUCIARY DUTY OF SPOUSES

The Family Code is forged in what courts believe to be sound public policy. There is probably no other area of law that is more sensitive to the law and public policy, and, specifically, wanting the most equitable result for all the parties involved. The relationship between the law and society’s interest is a reflection of the role that spouses have in their significant other lives and the integral interest society has in those roles. This interest is a direct reflection on how family law is developed. There is no better demonstration of this then the fact that family law orders can preempt even criminal orders in the court of law.

Because of this, the courts do no not mess around when it comes to the obligations and mutual respect of two people that are married. This inherent governance of morality is expressly stated in Family Code§721(b):

“This confidential relationship imposes a duty of the highest good faith and fair dealing on each spouse, and neither shall take any unfair advantage of the other.”

A spouse that tries and take advantage of the other spouse financially in any way, whether it is misappropriating community funds or the nondisclosure of assets, usually find out that was a very big mistake. These actions are contrary to the very foundations of family law.

FELDMAN

As elaborated above, courts do not take kindly to dishonesty, especially to your spouse.

Being consistent with the policy, the courts passed a bill that is now Family Code § 2100. This section states:

“(a) It is the policy of the State of California (1) to marshal preserve, and protect the community and quasi-community assets and liabilities that exist at the date of separation so as to avoid dissipation of the community estate before distribution, (2) to ensure fair and sufficient child and spousal support awards, and (3) to achieve a division of community and quasi-community assets and liabilities on the dissolution or nullity of marriage or legal separation of the parties as provided under California law.

(b) Sound public policy further favors the reduction of the adversarial nature of marital dissolution and the attendant costs by fostering full disclosure and cooperative discovery.

(c) In order to promote this public policy, a full and accurate disclosure of all assets and liabilities in which one or both parties have or may have an interest must be made in the early stages of a proceeding for dissolution of marriage or legal separation of the parties, regardless of the characterization as community or separate, together with a disclosure of all income and expenses of the parties. Moreover, each party has a continuing duty to immediately, fully, and accurately update and augment that disclosure to the extent there have been any material changes so that at the time the parties enter into an agreement for the resolution of any of these issues, or at the time of trial on these issues, each party will have a full and complete knowledge of the relevant underlying facts.”

In summary, public policy favors non-adversarial marital dissolutions, for the parties to cooperate as much as possible, and to immediately and accurately disclose all information. As such, the nondisclosure of assets certainly qualifies as dishonesty, which can carry severe penalties. Just ask Aaron Feldman. He found out the consequences of his non-disclosure and breach of fiduciary duty to his wife in his dissolution action. (See Marriage of FELDMAN [(2007) 153 Cal.App.4^th 1470]).

Traditionally, before Family Code§ 2100, a spouse that did not have access to the material and financial items during the marriage had the right to inquire about all the material assets that that was they knew about, and the knowledgeable spouse had to disclose the information that was requested. This would put the spouse with all the financial access at a very advantageous position. It was very easy to disclose only what they wanted, and the less-knowledgeable spouse would be at their mercy.

In Feldman, the husband Aaron did not disclose many assets, including real estate, businesses, and other financial transactions. His spouse, Elena, through further diligent discovery learned of all these nondisclosures. It was clear Aaron willfully showed a pattern of non-compliance. Elena then filed an application for an order for imposition of monetary sanctions for his willful breach of fiduciary duty, and a to pay her attorney’s fees. And we know what family courts think of the fiduciary duty between spouses.

The trial court granted these motions and on appeal, the Appellate Court affirmed the trial court’s granting of these. Elena was awarded $250,000 in sanctions against Aaron for the breach of his fiduciary duty and an additional $140,000 in attorney’s fees. All told, Aaron had to shell out $390,000 to Elena for his lack of good faith and fair dealing.

The interesting fact here in Feldman was that these sanctions were not ordered under the Code of Civil Procedure, but under Family Code§271(a), which is the part of the Family Code that deals with breaches of fiduciary duty.

Spouse Gambling Problem

Going back to the beginning, Family Code§271(a), as made clear in Feldman, will be used against the breaching party when their conduct frustrates the purpose of public policy. By incorporating Feldman, family courts are again resting on their bedrock principles of equity, which also goes back to the important role in the Court’s eyes that a family plays in society.

Spouse With Gambling Problem

The moral of the story is to be truthful regarding finances to your spouse (before and after filing for dissolution), as well as the courts. The penalty for this can extreme.